Tonight I completed my Fathers will request and placed his ashes into the ocean. Its been a long time between his cremation and now, but a lot has happened between now and then.
So with only the few close friends I have gathered around me in my life I feel that somehow I stand alone, and am somehow just a shadow of who I was.
I was growing into someone else with my wife. For sure I started as who I was in 2005, but her influence upon me, changed goals, changed directions all added up to me becoming something different. Who I was becoming is now dead. Passed along with my wife when she passed.
I can never grow into who I was becoming.
Only time will reveal who I will become now. All that I can do is focus on becoming better, not becoming bitter.
But right now I am empty of inspiration. I am simply grateful to my friends for their support, sadly I have little or nothing to give them in return. That they ask for nothing more than to give me what help I ask for is testimony to how fortunate I am to have such good friends.
That I have no idea what to ask of them is testament to me being just a shadow.
I know well that I can still do something with my life. Being simply a 'has been' may be satisfactory were I in my 80's but at my age thats a long time to wait to fade away.
Perhaps something will reveal itself to me in the new year.
So my new years resolution thus should be: give substance to what casts that shadow on the ground. Thats going to be hard work alone, but in my view I don't have any other choice,
good night
Back in the early 70s there was a singer in Portugal who sang revolutionary stuff.
ReplyDeleteI was in uni at the time and we used to listen to him a lot.
One of his songs had this little refrain from Dederich which I had nearly forgotten:
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life".
You just reminded me of it, after all these years. Thanks.
This is - in my humble opinion - one of the finest and most thought provoking pieces of writing I've read. My best wishes for your continuing journey, but whatever the future brings, and whatever you find along the way, please continue to share you observations with us. You have a talent for written expression that is rare. Thankyou.
ReplyDeleteHello again my darling brother,
ReplyDeleteI have no answers to your questions but if I may, I would like to say, The Wind, The Water and that One Special Angel will guide you to your new beginning my darling friend.
sis