The Unexpected (and yet) Expectable Changes

It becomes obvious if you say "going through changes changes you", yet this is exactly the "unexpected outcome" that we find when we view our lives in hindsight.

Obviously (when viewed like this) the bigger the change that occurs (and its duration), the bigger the change that you'll find in yourself.

In the movie Blade Runner one of the main characters Roy Batty has a scene where he expresses how the things he's seen (and done) would be incomprehensible to those in the society in which he lived. In one of Cinema's epic monologues Roy says that "he's seen things you people wouldn't believe" as well as "done questionable things" (in his discussion with Tyrell). He is advised to simply revel in his time by Tyrell. All of this has to leave a mark (as we say today) ... changed him probably.

However by the time we get to the scene with Deckard Roy has already gone though more changes, witnessed the deaths of some more of his friends, the grief in the loss of his partner (Pris) and Roy is reflecting as well as reacting.

Movies are melodrama, they attempt to compress time to a span which is comprehensible to a persons thought processes. Our own lives are much longer than the hour or two to watch a movie (or the day or so to read a book), so its difficult to see that what we go through changes us. Its usually only on reflection (often driven by some significant circumstances) which we take the time to reflect on who we are and how our reactions and feelings are different to what they were when we were younger.

Few people actually make significant changes in their lives, and by significant I mean something like become a migrant, move to another country, learn another language and attempt to become a member of that different society.

Doing things like that leaves changes ... indelible ones usually. If you remain in that place (that you've migrated to) you will always carry with you that which has made you before you got there, that which will always clearly mark you (for better or worse) as a migrant. These can be anything from simply an accent, to a different world view. What you may not see immediately is the changes in yourself.

Returning back to your "home" can make these clear to you. Sure when you get home its great to re-unite with Family and Friends. They may all be interested in your stories (or indeed maybe not), and you can all laugh and cry about stuff.

Its in the settling back into life "at home" that you can discover (as many migrants do) that being abroad has given you a different perspective, a different view, and indeed changed how you are not only how you see things.

This is where things are challenging. Indeed you may find that you struggle to fit back in entirely to your cradle.  Things won't feel right for inevitably you'll have found things (new things) that are done in that "other land" that you like, that you came to appreciate. The longer you stayed there, the more likely this will be and the more likely it will be a difficulty for you.

Grasping this may make it clear to you that you've changed, not them (although the society does always change as society is a dynamic thing and you may yearn for the "place you left"), but you see ... its not there. The others around you (having all been in that river of change floating with the current) won't actually see the changes in the same way you do which can be frustrating and possibly alienating.

Other times you can undergo changes without going anywhere, simply life itself can bring changes upon you that make you see things differently, perhaps challenge your (socially) accepted view of reality. This could be something like becoming an Ambulance, Police or Fire Officer, or it could be the death of someone you loved.

If that person was your wife or husband then you'll really have your world rocked because not only did you both change together, but now you don't have them with you anymore. Then there is no one who understands things as you did (assuming you had a good communicative supportive relationship and grew together), as well as no one to support you (even emotionally just by their presence). Its worth observing however that the divorce and break rates (and causes) for Emergency Services Personnel is probably due to those exact changes that their environment wrought upon them and the gradual distancing from their partners which resulted (PhD topic hint there).

For most people this happens (all things being equal) much later in life. The common response is that the changes are too great to deal with and people give up, probably dying. However if one is resilient enough (and with youth often comes resilience) one can make it through this "cathartic change" and emerge on the other side with strength and ability to keep on making a life.

There will however be profound changes, which may not be visible to your friends, and which may make you feel unable to relate to them as well as you once did. If you're lucky and have good friends you'll all get by. However you will always feel that "difference" which is because of the changes which happened due to the events you underwent.

I can't tell you what to do about that, because 1) we're all different and 2) I'm still trying to sort that out myself.

So, as the old European saying goes: Merry Christmas; peace and good will to all men (meaning humans, but English lacks in that area, in other languages it would be clearer that its not sexist).

Best Wishes