Is it that they leave or how they left?

Everyone leaves at sometime.

But is it the way that people leave that makes it feel worse? I wonder if I had had more time to prepare if our parting would have been less painful (or at least less acute)?

That I will never see her again in the rest of my life still hurts. Perhaps I am past the shock of her sudden leaving, but I am not yet past the missing of her.

The boat has left but the ripples go on...

Touch something and it is changed

My relationship with Anita more than simply touched me, we grew together for some years. Even something as simple as where I sit while typing this is a result of the changes that happened to me from her touch.

So, what is this phrase "letting go"?

To me it can't mean forgetting. It can't mean turning my back on what gifts I have recieved from the love we shared.

I know that our love changed her too. I know that our love brought her happiness and helped her to grow and be fullfilled. Equally our love did the same for me.

The legacy of influence and change that she brought to my life goes on for me as long as I live. Soon I will be living in her apartment (now my apartment by dint of human laws). This too will have a significant influence on the path of my life. So well after her passing her touch continues to influence my life.

At first (after she passed away) I felt guilty at accepting these gifts. Like some sort of ghoul living off the dead. For when we were living together we shared and built together. Her being not there to ask her "may I use this..." made me feel bad.

Today I feel that it is by using the things that she left me that I can continue to grow and develop into someone influenced by her.

Of course this influence will slowly taper off, but that is far more acceptable to me than the unforseen, sudden and jarring nature of her passing.

So I will soak up her homeland and see what it makes me into.

Taking off my hat

Some time ago I identified that people can lose themselves in their roles. I first noticed this with women.

Many women tended to loose their identity in their role as a mother. Stopping being (insert name here) and being 'mum' instead.

Today I realised that I was still wearing my "husband hat".

I have never been a selfless or selfish person. But when it came to my wife I put everything else aside for her. I think that part of the reasons that I feel lost and without direction is exactly because I am still wearing that hat.

Perhaps putting down that hat is what others mean when they talk about "letting go"

who knows.

Well for now I need to keep in mind that I do things for me, and me alone.

That will be a change.

:-)

Raspberry season

Once again I'm here in Finland in the raspberry season.

Direct from the bush is just wonderful

yum