Friday, 4 September 2015

all quiet here

It would seem to have been quiet here on my blog lately. Its not that I've forgotten or even that I've not had anything to say. Its more that the things I have to express have perhaps been all said here and I can see also from the activity some of my older works are providing useful reference / reading for others.

Its been three years since I buried Anita (anniversary just passed) and as one could expect there has been a lot on my mind, especially with respect to my relationship with her.

obvious paradoxes

She is with me every day, yet not here at all. I am finding that I am gradually developing the strength to carry her memory while not being overwhelmed by its 'weight' (and by the weight of her absence). My desire to learn to carry that and to train myself in carrying that has brought with it an awareness that (unlike physical training) I do not know how to train myself effectively. So I'm sort of like a kid in a gym playing with the machines and bars but not knowing how to do it - not having anyone to show me how.

I guess that I am accepting my load of doing things in the physical world (which I have been ignoring) but only in so far as it facilitates me getting away.

I feel a strong wish to be wandering, which I realise that I have done many times in the past. Japan, India, Korea, Finland ... each time brought with it changes. Sometimes it facilitated finding myself, sometimes it was just distraction.

I tire of being lonely but I do not (curiously) waver in my love for Anita. This makes it clear to me that for me to ever have any other relationships that person will need to be as aware, developed and patient as I am. So probably there can no further relationships in my life. Its not that such a person will not exist, but that I meet them at the time that they are ready to be met is so improbable that I'd call it as I just did.

Lets see where the road goes.

There remains much to do here, but then Finland first then probably to Ireland.

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