Confession Forgiveness and Redemption

I was feeling a little down earlier and wished that I could talk to Anita about my feelings.

It occurred to me that why I wanted to do that was because it was that in the sharing of things with her that her acceptance of my problems not only gave me guidance and opportunity to flesh out my problems at a conscious level, it also gave me a sense of forgiveness and redemption in her acceptance. In her arms I felt at peace.

This too is something I have lost and yet another pillar I will have to build for supporting my soul in her absence.

Learning and pain so often seem to go together. Or is it pain and learning?

Beauty and Humanity

Today I was down at the seaway again taking photographs for the 365 project I am in (take a photo a day every day).

I was struck by the amount of lazy asshole fishermen out there stuffing plastic bags in between the rocks or reeling off meters of fishing line.

I can't imagine in this day and age that these shitheads don't know the damage caused to marine life by just this behavior!

Shaking my head I toddle home.

On the way up a quiet street in my neighborhood I see a strange sight. It becomes clearer as I get closer.

It is a man leading a woman who is standing on a skateboard up the road. They are both in their 30's or 40's I guess.

As I pass them I think I recognise them, for I have seen a man walking around these parts with a woman who seems to suffer from a disease such as cerebral paulsy or something debilitating.

My wife and I often saw them crossing the road near this point and we often discussed his dedication to her and giving her quality of life by taking her outside for both exercise and health.

So when I saw them again, I think, yes there are lovely people in the human race to balance out the ignorant.

no lens to envy

I have been wanting to get my Holga pinhole camera out for a while and just re-acquaint myself with what it does. While I was waiting I took a shot with my digital camera to 'get an idea' of the conditions. As I have said before, digital just doesn't cope with high contrast situations like sunlight.

So today I got the film developed and scanned it, not bad and perhaps I need to fiddle with the colours more if I wanted to have it mounted, but as its just an experiment, I left it a bit 'cyan'.

Not bad considering all things.

I like that the sun can be seen in the clouds and isn't just a wash out. Actually there is more shadow details there too.

Its quite wide angle too, especially when you compare it to the digital.

There is a lot of 'flare' in the image, which clearly can't be lens flare (it is a pinhole camera after all) so I put that down to internal reflections in the camera (of which on inspection of the plastic interior seems to be a reasonable guess).

Not bad for a bit of fun

An evening alone at the beach

Despite growing up here, somehow this area feels like our area rather than mine. Anita loved splashing around in the waves close to the shore and riding a wave in on the belly board. Being down here without her somehow feels unnatural.

Yet the timeless feeling of the surf and the sand here gently and relentlessly reminds me that we are all just travellers through this landscape. Even the ones who have never left will one day leave.

Perhaps my travels through so many lands and coming to be familiar with them too helps me to accept the fact that she isn't here.

That is not to say I no longer feel her loss from my life, but rather that I accept we must all move on.

That day in January 2006 when she left me at Incheon airport to return to Finland (and me to Australia) I knew that my life led in her direction. The month we were apart before I left Australia for Finland was long and hard. Every day was an eternity and a long wait. Yet now it seems like a blink.

Perhaps the time between now and our reunification will one day too seem like a blink