Tuesday, 13 November 2012

mixed messages by mis leaders

Not having anyone to really guide me on my path of grieving my wife I turn to various sources for ideas or suggestions which can help. Often I find things which are proporting to help but are flawed. For instance this 'advice' which starts out with saying one thing and leads you into another thought, which if presented from the start would likely be rejected.

From this site on a fellow travellers insights into dealing with grief I found a quotation of something he found helpful. I will underline the points which I take the significant issue with.

When we cry for a loved one that has died, either we cry for ourselves or we cry for humanity, never for our loved one. Many will not agree with this, but it is true.

Really? Never? Its just true because he says so ... well that's not how I personally felt. Sure I felt I cried a lot for my loss ... well ok, then it goes on.

The tears are more often than not an expression of our own fear of not having our loved one with us any longer to keep us company, and the subconscious realization that all of us will come to this in time; none will be excused.

ok, so not all the time ... which is it? never or less frequently? Ok and then

Therefore, grief has everything to do with us, and nothing to do with the one who has died. This is the true understanding of grief, and when we understand in this way, grief will be less burdensome.

So within a single paragraph the author then fails to agree himself and reaches a conclusion that contracticts his own words.  Makes you wonder if they ever experienced anything or just sprung up to advise others (and probably charge for it too).

I am sure I cry a lot for me and how I feel. But some of the tears are for her, what she lost and how she was robbed. Perhaps that author doesn't get it, but I loved my wife. I was always sad when she was sad, when she was cheated or robbed I tried my best to do something to rectify that and if I couldn't I felt for her.

Maybe he's just another person who is focused on himself.

Myself, I miss Anita so much. It breaks my heart that she won't enjoy the perfect winter days like this (that she loved so much) anymore.

Perhaps she is out there on a lake enjoying the beauty she loved and waiting for me to join her. Now that's something I'd like to be true.


Noons said...

Grief is so personal and subjective, I don't think anyone can generalize it.
We all have to find, each, our own way to deal with it.
Mind you: not an easy task! But I agree entirely it's the only way to handle the pain and overcome it.
Hang in there, mate. Call if you need to chat, you know that.

Jao said...


having gone through grief over lost ones a few times myself now, albeit never as cutting to the core as losing my spouse, I have found that lots advice I got in grief counseling sessions and in help books I read was not helpful and in many cases even hurtful. That said, I found that raging at self-help book authors sometimes actually made me feel better so perhaps there is a silver lining there.

This sort of thing where an author generalizes inappropriately is especially silly. Grief is intensely personal but I don't think that the realization that we ourself are the ones grieving and not the people that are no longer with us makes it any less burdensome. One can certainly grieve for the fact that the one you lost doesn't get to experience the joy and beauty that she could have. Not everything has to be selfish.
It is very good that she had the time with you that she had and it's good to think back of those winter days and other great experiences. I hope that even though you do not get to share the future with your wife, you will still be able to find new beauty in the world. It really sucks that she won't be able to be there with you in person.

Charles Maclauchlan said...

I've seen those frost structures before, on lakes in northern Maine