Saturday, 10 November 2012

I wish I was dead but I'm not

My lovely wife told me that she was never happier than when I came out of surgery alive, and getting better every day.

But then she died suddenly and now I am here alone with no reason to go on living.

Frankly its a situation I'm sick of.

How the hell do I find something to make my life worthwhile again?

The last few months has seen the agony of her death ebb to a dull and omnipresent pain. But all of the things we planned are pointless without her. Even cooking a meal for myself just feels pointless when she is not there to share it with.

PS : some of my friends have contacted me after reading this post with offers to talk about it or to come and visit them.

I am very lucky to have such fine people as friends. As it happens I do get the opportunity to talk about Anita and coping with her passing with a couple of close friends. Probably the most helpful is my friend who is in her 80's and lost her husband some years ago to cancer.

She knows quite well the emotional turmoil I am undergoing, and can even still only talk about her experiences and listen to whatever it is that I have to say.

Which is actually about all that anyone can really do.

This situation is quite unlike anything most people undergo when they are young, so it is almost impossible to really comprehend. The closest most people who aren't elderly get to this is to observe their grand parents reactions when one of them dies leaving the other struggling with this hardest of things in life. Even then they don't normally grasp it and wonder why their grandmother or grandfather is not getting over it in a few months or so as they have.

Again thanks to everyone and that's about all I have energy for now.

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