Thursday, 2 January 2014

Camera Related Illnesses


  1. Gear Acquisition Syndrome
    • observed compulsion to unnecessary purchases of photographic equipment. Sufferers seldom are aware of its intrusion into their lives. Can be self identified by observing the need for more glass front cabinets.

TREATMENT: No current treatment is known, although strict financial budgeting has been suggested in the literature.

Camera Diarrhea

  1. uncontrolled generation of digital images. This illness exceeds the capacity of previously known (although self limiting and rare) motor-drive madness (WHO has reported that motor-drive madness cases have not been reported since 2004). Sufferers can be found taking thousands of still images at weddings or family events. Sufferers seldom look at the images they take and yet are often unable to delete images.
TREATMENT: suggested treatments include family support and in extreme cases enforced use of a film camera and self scanning to restore perspective on what is needed to really cover an event.

Megapixel Madness

  1. Insatiable desire for more megapixels in cameras. Sufferers are unsatisfied with existing pixel count of their cameras and will continue to seek out more and more megapixel cameras in a geometric progression. Early stage delusions onset (seen soon after contraction of this disease) that even 10% increase in capture pixels are needed to make a better image then their previous bajila-pixel camera. (this disease is often associated with pixel peeping, although this is a co-morbidity rather than a related symptom
  2. Choosing phones based on it having a pixel count greater than needed to produce a wall sized mural. Sufferers frequently email such images to unsuspecting relatives - clogging mailboxes pr causing apparent phone lock-up and occasional late onset of 'bill shock' when looking at their phone data component bills.  
TREATMENT: suggested treatments include forced attendance during printing and double blind self examining of prints. At no stage should family or friends examine the prints directly. A good slap has been suggested in cases where printing is impractical. For sufferers without any capacity for mathematics dividing a pizza into successively smaller slices and demonstrating that like light reaching a sensor eventually a piece (or pixel) contains no food has been suggested (see photon).

Pixel Peeping

  1. the need to affirm that your image was good by applying successively greater magnification on it so as to be unable to actually perceive the image at all. There is conjecture in some of the literature that this is a related issue to "peep hole" show addicts who view only specific live sex shows for the purposes of "satisfaction" (frequently not resulting in any, but the belief becomes self feeding)
  2. refusal to accept and enjoy images until its been shown that they are produced with a lens that shows clear pixel differentiation at magnifications not possible in any prints.
TREATMENT: none known

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That first picture looks like my shelf of lenses :)