Monday, 10 March 2014

I am Jacks Automated House

In a previous post on this topic I have mentioned how I felt that so much of what I have seen in Art or Literature has been pulled out by my subconscious to be paraded before me in some sort of Dickensian manner, like spectres.Over time I have come to see these as being indicative of how others have suffered in such similar ways as I have (and so have some idea of how I feel), that it is only when I am in their positions that the true accuracy of their expression hits me in the face.

The well meaning psychopath {Psychopathy (/sˈkɒpəθi/) (or sociopathy [/ˈssiəˌpæθi/]) is traditionally defined as a personality disorder, characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, diminished empathy and remorse, and disinhibited or bold behavior.} is often taken to say something that will be perceived as supportive but is actually pouring vinegar into the wound.

Something typical like "oh well, its better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all"

As it happened  on the night after I took Anita to the airport I came home and did some thing to fix up the house and settled in to watch an old favorite on the screen, MIB. Only days later I found myself gripped by a single scene. Which seemed to play itself before me many times. :

I think that Tommy Lee Jones so accurately portrays in his face all the feelings that I feel when I consider my losses and react to people telling me its better to have loved and lost....

As I have said earlier: its art when it touches you. I don't know why I played this movie on the day she left, but this theme that it contains is one which I have wrestled with for some time. I have also mentioned also in previous posts on this topic sometimes it is in art that you can find some sort of balm if not a healing.

In "Fight Club" they discover a book written by someone who was disturbed. He wrote a series of books about his bodily organs and compared them to himself. Later in the movie the narrator starts quoting from Jack, stuff like:
I am Jack's... complete lack of surprise.
I am Jack's wasted life.
Well years ago I read a short story (like when I was about 12) by Ray Bradbury about an automated house in which it becomes clear that the occupants are no longer there. The house goes on cleaning itself and maintaining itself as best as it can, but without the people in it, its just an empty machine doing its best to maintain its body as it was designed to do.

Well I have come to realize that I am Jacks Automated house.

So to answer Jay's so insensitively posed rhetorical question, it is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

For in love I gained so much, I learned so much about being alive and feeling that life, love and death is something I now grasp with greater comprehension than I have ever done. If there is any existence after this then perhaps all these things all these feelings and all this pain will be worth far more to me than a life as an automaton.

To quote from the character of Walter Bishop
The pain is her legacy to you, it is proof that she was here. You can't escape it by building walls around your heart or by vengeance.

From here as to what to do or how to do it, I have no idea. But while my body is functioning I guess that I don't want to become "Jacks wasted life".

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If Anita had been with you another 30 years, you (or she) would have eventually come to this position anyhow.

Simply, if you had never had it, think of how empty your life would have been up till that point.

It may never happen again but it is something to either cherish in your memory or to lean towards tomorrow.