Saturday, 20 April 2013

its not warm when she's away...

From the time I fell in love with her every time we were apart I felt a little anxious and a little sad. Even when we began sharing a house, whenever she went away for some days (to help her grandparents for example) I felt sad.

But there came a time when I had certainty that she would always be there, that we would be together for all our lives. Of course I knew that one day I would be dead. Its strange that we both always acted on the obvious thing that I'd be the one to die first.

Life can be unexpected.

Tonight I was watching a movie, and there was this Bill Withers song on in the background.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she's always gone too long
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she's gone 
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime she goes away.

I know that she has passed away, but (unlike the dyed in the wool atheists) just don't know if "she's gone to stay". By this I mean simply ceased.

Perhaps I'm just twisting reality to see it as I wish, but little things keep telling me that while "shes gone to stay" that like when she walked onto that plane in Incheon that she still is somewhere, and that I'll make a journey to the furthest point in my world to be with her when its time.

Today I've been out riding around in the sunshine of a perfect day on the scooter and somehow feeling her presence. I felt overwhelmingly sad at times, perhaps because I can feel her presence. Personally I'd rather go through feeling sad when I feel her around than not feel her around.

Anyway, as I went to write this I turned on my tablet and was surprised to find a 'theme' of raindrops had been applied to my FTP app, yet I had applied no theme. It was like a little smack in my face (or a tug on my ear as she used to do).

My heart is inclined to feel that she put it there. She liked rides on the scooter, so I'm glad she could come along.

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