Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Is it that they leave or how they left?

Everyone leaves at sometime.

But is it the way that people leave that makes it feel worse? I wonder if I had had more time to prepare if our parting would have been less painful (or at least less acute)?

That I will never see her again in the rest of my life still hurts. Perhaps I am past the shock of her sudden leaving, but I am not yet past the missing of her.

The boat has left but the ripples go on...

Friday, 26 July 2013

Touch something and it is changed

My relationship with Anita more than simply touched me, we grew together for some years. Even something as simple as where I sit while typing this is a result of the changes that happened to me from her touch.

So, what is this phrase "letting go"?

To me it can't mean forgetting. It can't mean turning my back on what gifts I have recieved from the love we shared.

I know that our love changed her too. I know that our love brought her happiness and helped her to grow and be fullfilled. Equally our love did the same for me.

The legacy of influence and change that she brought to my life goes on for me as long as I live. Soon I will be living in her apartment (now my apartment by dint of human laws). This too will have a significant influence on the path of my life. So well after her passing her touch continues to influence my life.

At first (after she passed away) I felt guilty at accepting these gifts. Like some sort of ghoul living off the dead. For when we were living together we shared and built together. Her being not there to ask her "may I use this..." made me feel bad.

Today I feel that it is by using the things that she left me that I can continue to grow and develop into someone influenced by her.

Of course this influence will slowly taper off, but that is far more acceptable to me than the unforseen, sudden and jarring nature of her passing.

So I will soak up her homeland and see what it makes me into.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Taking off my hat

Some time ago I identified that people can lose themselves in their roles. I first noticed this with women.

Many women tended to loose their identity in their role as a mother. Stopping being (insert name here) and being 'mum' instead.

Today I realised that I was still wearing my "husband hat".

I have never been a selfless or selfish person. But when it came to my wife I put everything else aside for her. I think that part of the reasons that I feel lost and without direction is exactly because I am still wearing that hat.

Perhaps putting down that hat is what others mean when they talk about "letting go"

who knows.

Well for now I need to keep in mind that I do things for me, and me alone.

That will be a change.


Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Raspberry season

Once again I'm here in Finland in the raspberry season.

Direct from the bush is just wonderful


Tuesday, 23 July 2013


So, here I am again in Finland. Thought I'd start with a pic of the local food. A Karjlan Piraka.

Feels like time travel back to the weeks before the funeral. Lots of memories. Most are good some leave me in tears.

Well, its lunch so nom nom.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

once around the sun

Time is so subjective. I know, its not December yet, but already so many people have said to me "how this year has really flown by", which to me is a sign of how busy they have been. Paradoxically for me I have been busy yet this time seems distorted out of proportion into what feels like ages.

For me this year is marked in some ways by the 6th of July, as that more or less started things off in my annus horribilis. Today is the first anniversary of my fathers death, which was followed by the death of my dearest Anita barely a month later. Then there was my own trials with the infection which surfaced from my heart operation from the previous year.

Calendars are interesting tools, as they represent this cycle we all make in our orbit around the sun. Each year we wind up in the same place relative to the sun, but of course (as the sun too moves through space on its orbit in the galaxy at about 675,000km/h) in a completely different place. So a lot has changed when that annual digit ticks over and we are back at the same point on the calendar (except the year).

Looking at the calendar I see that a lot has happened for me at about this point in our orbit:
  • my Dad died on the last orbit
  • my Mum died the day after (6 orbits earlier)
  • my wife was born two days after then (but quite a few orbits earlier)
No wonder I have almost no memories of what we did for her birthday on those years.

It seems so long ago now that Anita and I were dealing with all the things from Dads death, yet it was only a year ago and we only did all those things over a period of 45 days. When she left to go to visit her family it seemed to me months had gone by. So busy and yet somehow the things done seemed to not disappear off the view.

I suspect that this year too will be all of three hundred and sixty five days long (rather than just a year). All the things have started the preparation for my migration to Finland. In less than a month I will be standing on Finnish soil and visiting her grave for the first time since September last year.

I have believed for a long time that a man is only as good as his word. The insubstantial and flimsy make promises which they forget sooner than the sunset. Even for a stranger if I give my word I keep it.

Circles have stood to mean many things in the symbolism of peoples. A perfect orbit would be a circle. We often wear rings as symbols of things (rather than as simple ornaments). My wedding ring was my gold standard promise to Anita. That was simply to love her all my life. That made her happy enough to write on the ring which she gave to me to wear: Sillion on kesä minulla

Perhaps I am too proud, but none the less I expect my promise to her will last as long as the gold in that ring.

That she is not here beside me is something I am learning to adapt to. That she is nowhere is something perhaps I can never accept. Probably one day I will know the answer to that (or if the nihilists are right I never will).

Interestingly in this last year my thoughts are with her and not with my parents. That is not to say that I have not given thanks to my parents for helping me to be where I am, but rather to say that leaving home was a journey of my life. I returned many times, often to help them. But each return was part of an orbit around another center.

Anita became my center ... now that her presence in this space has vanished (and there only remains what is in my mind) I have no center to my orbit.

Oh well, once more around the sun shall we?