Thursday, 24 January 2013

perhaps not everything

The night I got the call I was cast into a pit the like of which I have never comprehended not do I wish to comprehend (even though I must).

For the longest time I have felt that I lost everything which was important to me. Yet perhaps not quite everything.

From the moment that I heard of her death, I simply fell deeper into that pit. For most of the time I was only able to feel pain, later came the loneliness. The longer time passed the more I realised how far I had fallen. Sometimes I fell further.

As I began to pick my self up and walk through my daily life I feel that I have become what I did not want to become again: alone and lonely.

Some months have passed, and now that my pain is not so all consuming I have time to look around me and see where I have fallen to. My attention is drawn to the others around me in this pit who (like me) are unhappy, alone and lonely.

I feel that I have become no one. A sort of dead-man walking; stripped of what I had, nothing in my life. I only have basic life that keeps me from death. I am surviving.

Having worked towards finding happiness and a sence of sharing my life I feel that I have been cast down to that level again. To be alone and lonely.Empty and without a point without her. Without the family we were working towards, without the goals we were working towards. Without the life we were building.
Apart from the physical possessions and a house to live in, I feel I have nothing.

Gradually, recently, I begin to see that there is something that I have that many of those down here with me, don't seem to have ever had.

The development of the spirit and the uplifting experience of being both truly loved and truly loving. So while we are all sitting around in this pit something tells me that I am not quite yet "bereft of everything".

I have what has formed who I am.

For I know where I have fallen from, I know what I had and how it has imprinted many things on me. I see that many here have never seen the beauty of love and companionship that was once part of my life. What is their dream was my reality.

That has helped shape me to who I am and is something that I would not be had I not had my time with Anita.

This of course makes me weep more for the recognition of that loss. [so don't be thinking I'm some sort of pillar of strength here, I'm just a big cry baby].

One of the techniques of survival is to assay what you have and see what it is that you can use to survive.

Never having been one to place high values on material wealth I have instead worked all my life towards finding exactly what I had, and learning the skills needed to make sure that I was able to foster and grow a loving relationship.

I saw early in my life that my parents had commitment to each other but lacked the skills to make living with each other (or anyone for that matter) something which was a viable long term thing. Being quite unhappy with the life I was leading (and seeing the path they had walked) I wanted to navigate away from that. I knew I would need to learn things I did not know (but would need to know). To understand what I had unconsciously learned, and decide what was counter to my goals and attempt to distance myself from that. I say "distance myself" because I believe you can never deny who you are.

In the many years since then I feel I have come a long way.

At about the time that I met Anita I had begun to give up hope. They say that all good things come to those who wait, but I was beginning to wonder if it would come too late. By an incredible series of completely unlikely events I met the woman of my destiny in South Korea. That she was from Finland and I from Australia only made the probability of such a meeting even more remote.

Could it be billions to one?

It was fortunate for both of us that we met when we did. For at earlier times neither of us would have been ready to have walked the wonderful life we did.

For having that I can only be grateful and feel fortunate.

During our time together I was definitely put to the test. The things I had learned in relationship building were put under the test of daily life. Without doubt I know there were times where I failed to be as I wanted to, but the vast majority of times found us able to overcome our issues and work together. All the while remaining in love with each other. We were well suited to each other. We grew as people and aimed to grow to be together, not to grow apart.

That we continued to be in love with each other when she was taken from me has perhaps made the pain of the fall harder, but strangely has left me with some treasure too.

I can't imagine my future, seeing my past as any guide I simply could not be sure where I will be in the future. Only a fool or an entirely unimaginative person would have an answer to the question: "where do you see yourself in 10 years time?"

Right now I can only see myself loving Anita, it is something I will do all the rest of my life. The rest is completely invisible to me.

People talk about recovery from injury. Its important to know that recovery never brings you back to the point you were before the injury. So I will never be who I was before I fell, but I can try to become someone again.

So now I guess that I have to start planning my climb out of this pit.

I'm sure it won't be an easy climb.
Perhaps I'll fall a few times.
Perhaps I'll die trying.

Better to die trying than plan to rot at the bottom.


leanne peterson said...

Chris - I am reminded of a lyric in Nat King Coles - Nature Boy

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

Your journey will be a long one. We are always here if and when you need to talk my friend - Leanne

Anonymous said...

my darling brother another life embrassing step for you. Your words are your heart speaking always and forever. As long as I have known you, that is you. That picture I have and will always have, but for you memories will never fade pictures do. Climb bit by bit,not leap by leap.


Anonymous said...

Time is both your friend and your enemy here.