Sunday, 30 December 2012
Tonight I completed my Fathers will request and placed his ashes into the ocean. Its been a long time between his cremation and now, but a lot has happened between now and then.
So with only the few close friends I have gathered around me in my life I feel that somehow I stand alone, and am somehow just a shadow of who I was.
I was growing into someone else with my wife. For sure I started as who I was in 2005, but her influence upon me, changed goals, changed directions all added up to me becoming something different. Who I was becoming is now dead. Passed along with my wife when she passed.
I can never grow into who I was becoming.
Only time will reveal who I will become now. All that I can do is focus on becoming better, not becoming bitter.
But right now I am empty of inspiration. I am simply grateful to my friends for their support, sadly I have little or nothing to give them in return. That they ask for nothing more than to give me what help I ask for is testimony to how fortunate I am to have such good friends.
That I have no idea what to ask of them is testament to me being just a shadow.
I know well that I can still do something with my life. Being simply a 'has been' may be satisfactory were I in my 80's but at my age thats a long time to wait to fade away.
Perhaps something will reveal itself to me in the new year.
So my new years resolution thus should be: give substance to what casts that shadow on the ground. Thats going to be hard work alone, but in my view I don't have any other choice,