my personal (mental) Möbius strip

Since Anita died I find myself pondering the same questions over and over again, the arguments seem to be "circular" and despite moving from one point to another I end up with dependencies that are essentially begging the same questions.

Unlike my story of the dust mites on the bolt thread I have come to wonder if I am indeed spiraling around in a general direction or if I am walking on a mental Möbius strip.

Perhaps the issue is that I lack the mental capacity to actually understand the problem.
Perhaps it is that I lack the information / evidence / data to advance my situation.

I can find people who can tell me there is a God, I can find people who tell me that there is life after death and I can find people who will tell me that all of that is a nonsense. No lacking in people convicted of diverse and mutually exclusive ideas out there to choose from that's for sure.

Indeed it is entirely possible that (say due to the quantum universe in which we see manifest) it is entirely an untestable proposition, and that no proof can ever be had. Perhaps it is such that the proof is beyond the capacity of humans (or at least me) to grasp. This article suggests that "incomprehensible to human" proofs may exist:

There are an infinite number of finite simple groups but a finite number of families to which they belong. Mathematicians have been studying groups since the 19th century, but the Enormous Theorem wasn't proposed until around 1971, when mathematician Daniel Gorenstein of Rutgers University in New Jersey devised a plan to identify all the finite simple groups, divide them into families and prove that no others could exist.

Gorenstein and his hundreds of collaborators spent a decade working on the proof. By 1981, Gorenstein could see the light at the end of the tunnel, though a few hurdles remained. The proof remained incomplete until the 2004 publication by Aschbacher and Smith, which completed the proof. It identified all the families – and showed no others could exist.

Solomon estimates that only a few mathematicians in the world (including Aschbacher) understand the complete proof.

So if such a proof can only be comprehended by a handful of the humans on the planet, then it becomes quite close to an act of faith for the rest of us to believe them. Which of course sort of brings me back along the Möbius strip to St Augustine again:

"Nisi credideritis, non intelligetis"

Who knows, there may well be a teapot in the orbit between Earth and Mars. But personally I don't give a fuck about Russell's teapot, I only care about Anita, my love for her and knowledge of the love she had for me.

Of that point I have no doubt.