Thursday, 22 November 2012
My current situation is somehow like those early days: I feel alone in the back seat, with just the window to look out and nothing interesting to see. Picking up the phone to call a friend provides some temporary relief, but I know that when I hangup that I will be instantly alone again.
There is a strong feeling of abandonment running through my life at the moment. Grief counsellors will say that this is one of the stages that one goes through when one looses some one close.
While it is close it is not quite the same. You see my wife did not abandon me, she was bushwhacked by something hiding in her head. Killed from within by something we knew nothing about (a brain tumor which we never got a chance to fight).
When were going to the airport she ducked back into the house to tie a yellow ribbon around the table leg. So I am quite sure that when she left, she intended to come back to me.
So the feelings of abandonment are off the mark.
Words are important things, they link to ideas and help us navigate complex issues. So choosing the wrong word to explain something is like using the wrong co-ordinates on the map, perhaps even using the wrong map.
I find myself struggling with this because every time I feel this way I immediately know she didn't abandon me, she was taken from me. So using the word abandonment simply reinforces the wrong concept and leads me off the path to healing.
I assure you dear reader that I do not want to remain lost in this dark place any longer than I have to be. So finding a path to healing which fits reality and what I experience is important if I really want to feel comfortable that the peace I find is based on a solid foundation.
If not it could collapse under me dropping back into darkness should something challenge it.
Right now I have no better word than bereft.
I'll let you know what turns up in my search.